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Retox Detox: New Year’s Drunkolutions

2 Jan

If you’re like me, you know that recovering from a bender takes more than a day. Whether you’re recovering from a once-a-year binge on Saturday night, or yet another week-long bender from which you’re just emerging (broke, naked, and possibly sticky), here’s how to get your body back to peak performance:

Day One:

3 a.m. Wake up. Try to figure out where you are.
4 a.m. Roll over. Find something warm next to you. Try to figure out what it is.
5 a.m. Go back to sleep.
7 a.m. Wake up again. Find a half-empty cup of water on a nightstand. Chug it like there’s no tomorrow.
7:01 a.m. Discover that the water you drank was actually vodka. Sputter and curse. Loudly.
7:02 a.m. Warm object next to you grunts at you to shut up. Go back to sleep.
11 a.m. Wake up again. Look around you and wonder why everything is blurry.
12 p.m. Remember that you wear glasses. Go hunting for them.
1 p.m. Find and put on glasses. Learn that the lump next to you is your significant other. Breathe raspy sigh of relief. Remember that you’re thirsty.
1:05 p.m. Spend several minutes drinking from the spigot in the bathroom because you can’t find a cup.
1:30 p.m. By now, you have located and managed to put on most of your clothes. It was not fun, but it was necessary if you are going to fry that bacon.
2:00 p.m. Burn bacon. Start over.
2:39 p.m. Settle down in front of the tube for a Buffy marathon and burnt-bacon extravaganza. Yeah, you burnt the bacon a second time, but it’s too delicious to waste.
3 p.m. – 10 p.m. Do not move from couch, except to pee, pay the pizza delivery guy, and change Buffy DVDs.
10 p.m. Consider showering. Go to bed instead.

Day Two:

12 p.m. Wake up from 14 hours of sleep still groggy. Wish your cat would bring you coffee.
2 p.m. Get out of bed.
2:30 p.m. Locate pants.
3 p.m. Cast aspersions upon said pants.
4 p.m. Climb onto couch.
5 p.m. Repeat yesterday’s 3 p.m. schedule.

Day Three:

5 a.m.: Sit bolt upright in bed, alert and cheerful.
6 a.m.: While showering, notice your brand-new six-pack abs.
7 a.m.: While brushing teeth, notice your face has gotten 35% more attractive overnight.
9 a.m.: Marvel at your ability to run all the way to work without breaking a sweat, despite your 15-mile commute.
10 a.m.: Someone has brought a free box of cupcakes to your desk.
2 p.m.: Your boss inexplicably gives you a raise, while simultaneously decreasing your responsibility.
5 p.m.: Fly home on your newly-discovered retractable wings.
7 p.m. Buy a winning lottery ticket. Upon discovering you’ve won, hoist your significant other into the air with your newly-rippling arm muscles in celebratory jubilation.

Honestly, though, I hope you all had fun, safe New Year’s extravaganzas. New Year’s isn’t my favorite holiday, as it always seems like a lot of hype for not a lot of payoff, but anything for a theme party, I say. I’ve never had any particularly memorable resolutions, other than this one. This year, as I so loudly told my roommate, I plan to gain ten pounds and start smoking. JUST KIDDING! It would be nice to tick off some of the items from my List of Doom, but I’ll settle for the six-pack. AHEM.

What did you guys do for New Year’s? Y’all have any resolutions?

20 ways in which I am an adult

16 Nov

Why? Why not, is more like it:

  1. I have a mortgage and a lawnmower.
  2. I have a cat whose vet bills I pay all by myself.
  3. I have a car in working condition, that I bought myself, with cash.
  4. Grown-up disguise!
  5. I have a full-time job with benefits.
  6. I plan my meals a full week in advance.
  7. I have automatic debits from checking to savings.
  8. I have automatic debits from paycheck to 401k.
  9. I got into graduate school all by myself, and will pay for it all by myself. 
  10. I have a mobile mini-bar. (It could be argued that this belongs on The Ways in Which I am Not an Adult list.)
  11. I throw parties where, sometimes, I don’t even drink.
  12. I host potlucks.
  13. I occasionally play matchmaker.
  14. I make small talk about home improvement projects.
  15. I have not occupied anything in the past six months.
  16. My socks always match.
  17. I carry an umbrella in my purse.
  18. I own several pairs of practical shoes.
  19. I can detect very small percentages of cashmere and silk in clothing by feel alone.
  20. I have matching furniture.
  21. I have matching curtains, and a bedskirt. 

What makes you feel all grown-up?

    PS – My friend D is going to write a handbook on how to be an adult. She is the best person for the job, because 1) she has more than one mortgage, 2) she has an MBA and 3) she is awesome.

      Halloween Weekend Open Thread

      28 Oct
      This is the Halloween costume I would get for my cat
      if he were the sort of cat to wear costumes.

      It’s Friday, and that means Weekend Open Thread time. Stuck for a topic? I’ll give you some!

      • What are you going to be for Halloween?
      • What are you going to DO for Halloween?
      • How many pumpkins are too many pumpkins? (Answer: TRICK QUESTION! No amount of pumpkins.)
      • On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you love Halloween? (My answer = 753.)
      • What’s your favorite Halloween candy?




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