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The five people you meet on the internet

19 Sep

I like to sign up for random stuff on the internet. Even better if whatever I sign up for results in me getting stuff in the mail. Who doesn’t like receiving things in the mail? The same people who hate puppies, that’s who! And Nazis. Nazis totally hate mail.

This is pretty much the sole reason why I am an IMPer, and why I had loads of fun with the book “High Weirdness by Mail” as a dorky preteen. It’s also why I recently signed up for a penpalling site. I figured it would be a good way to make new friends in interesting places, who I could then go visit. Specifically, I would like to make new friends in New York City. You see, I visit New York a lot.* And when I am there, I know approximately .75 people.**

Knowing less than one person while in a city of more than 19 million is kind of depressing. I am sure that, out of that 19 million, there are probably at least five or six really rad people that would totally think I was rad, and would eat dinner with me or maybe know of a good bar to go to. And the sort of people who can pull their shit together enough to write a letter, put it in an envelope, and add a stamp? Well, they tend to be the types that are better at follow-through than, say, your average Facebookian. Right? Wrong. Well, at least so far.

Thus far, I have met five types of people on the penpalling site:

  • Sideways hat guy: This guy is really skinny. If he is wearing a shirt, it is a too-big tee shirt with a stretched collar. His cap is on sideways, because he is COOL. He says “Wassup GURL!?” on your profile. He may or may not have a gold tooth. He is sometimes making a gang sign in his photo.
Via
  • Middle aged guy: Hi! Your smile is so bewitching! You may think I am young because of my command of hip slang, but OH NO I AM OLD! HA HA! But oh-so-mature. I will treat you niccceeeee, Clairisssse. And by “nice” I mean I will buy you a bandage dress from Wet Seal and then expect head as payment.
  • Scammer guy: I hope you don’t mind friendship. CLICK ON LINK to win!!!
  • Large-breasted, scantily clad, headless girl: CHk oUT my PICXXXX!! thx! Click here! xoxoxxxoooo
  • Toothless people: I try not to judge based on appearance. I do, I really do. But teeth, they do not reach this state of rot by natural means, OH NO. There is only one way they get that way. And it is by abusing a drug featured in countless public service announcements. Meth heads in real life scare me plenty, thanks.

*Furthermore, I may be moving there a year from now and it would be cool to know people then, too.
**Curious about the math? Well, here is how it adds up to .75:

  • .25 person: The son of one of my mom’s work friends, to whom I was introduced solely because he lives in New York. Had dinner once. May one day have lunch.
  • .25 person: A delightful lady who I know through a work vendor relationship. We could be friends, if she wasn’t always trying to sell me something.
  • .25 person: An old friend from college, who has since acquired a wife who is threatened by my presence, which I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about anyway. Can you say skeezy?

Seven Sad Songs

28 Jul

It’s not all rainbows, sunshine and unicorns here, people! I was in the throes of making mix CDs and noticed how many of my favorite tunes are about forbidden love/heartbreak – which isn’t difficult since so many songs are about that – and decided to share a selection with you. I think these are a very particular brand of forbidden love/heartbreak songs, don’t you?

1. Love Song (Tori Amos covering The Cure)

It just so happens that this one is my very favorite song of all time. Which is odd, considering I typically don’t have favorite anythings (although I am known to have favorite pants from time to time). Anyway, The Cure’s version is really great, but Tori’s version is transcendental.

2. With Every Heartbeat (Robyn)

Robyn was in my town this past weekend! I missed it because I was busy doing this, which makes me sound a lot cooler than I am.

3. Sophisticated Lady (Cat Power covering Duke Ellington)

Apparently I have a thing for covers that make you want to slit your wrists. I mean, seriously. They oughta outlaw this song it’s that good.

4. Bells for Her – Tori Amos (Trip Hop/Depressing Mix)

I really have no idea who remixed this. The “trip hop/depressing remix” is what it’s called in my iTunes library, which I named to differentiate it from the 12 gajillion other versions I have of the song Bells For Her. Rad song on its own, add slow remixiness and you get something great to drink to while sitting on your kitchen floor looking forlorn.

5. Siren – Tori Amos

Another Tori song! Aren’t I just a walking cliché? Technically this song may not really be about forbidden love or heartbreak. It could be about vanilla or teenage flesh or coquettes or… wait, no, I was right the first time.

6. St. Swithin’s Day – Dubstar covering Billy Bragg

I am apparently not allowed to own this song in the U.S., which is a bummer. And, what is it with me and covers anyway?

7. Romeo & Juliet – Amy Ray covering Mark Knopfler

You didn’t think I’d let you go without forcing you to listen to my favorite half of the Indigo Girls, did you? And that concludes this week’s edition of sad songs and covers!

What’s your favorite cover? What’s your favorite sad song? What’s your favorite song about forbidden love? Heartbreak? Share, share, share!

Heartbreaker, listmaker

22 Apr

Imported from MySpace blog

Things of which I am irrationally afraid:

- Zombies. I hate ‘em, they freak me out.
- Malls: creepy temples of capitalism. They also have no windows, what’s up with that?
- Escalators: they’re in malls, and almost unavoidable. Beastly machines, probably partially responsible for the epidemic of heart disease among fat, smelly U.S. citizens
- Dying horribly on the freeway. Although, I may not so much be irrationally afraid of this as I am fascinated by how it would work.

Foods I really don’t like:

-Marshmallows
-Barbecue sauce
-Coconut
-Spicy things, like pepperoncinis
-Borscht

Foods that are yummy:

-Cheese. Cheese may be my favorite food. Cheese should not go with crackers. Cheese can go with almost anything else, including but not limited to vanilla ice cream. That’s right, ice cream. Dairy products are so very good, despite their inherent evilness. Perhaps it is the evil that makes them good. Hmm…

You know what else comes from cheese?

Cheesecake. Cheesecake is also quite tasty. That weird goopy crap they put on the top that pretends to be berries, though, is not. That stuff may be more evil than cheese, and in a way that just makes my cheesecake feel violated, not garnished. I know because I asked my cheesecake once. My cheesecake has to go to therapy now because of that stuff. My cheesecake has trouble having normal, loving relationships with other cheesecakes now. And who is punishing the goop? No one, I tell you, no one. It’s a sorry state of affairs when desserts can get away with such shenanigans.

Also I really like bananas. They’re portable, yellow, and go well with cottage cheese. A banana is a self-contained unit, much like a grenade but tastier.

Things that annoy me:

- People that ask me if I’m cold. Why? Because if I were cold, I’d put on a jacket. I’m not homeless and own many jackets, so I don’t know why people feel like they need to ask me this. Most likely they’re trying to make me feel bad for inflicting my cleavage upon them. Unfortunately for them, it just makes me grouchy.

-Long sleeves. Unless they’re part of a jacket or sweater, where they belong. Long sleeves have no place on shirts or dresses. Ridiculous, if you ask me.

- People who think they know everything. They don’t. This should be apparent to them, but it isn’t (apparently).

- Evangelists

- People who are easily offended

- People who tell me to watch my mouth. These people need to grow up.

Things that make me smile:

- Old people holding hands. Regular people holding hands.
- Genuinely nice people
- Kittens. I don’t care what anyone says, kittens are cute and fuzzy and I like them.
- Dead baby jokes
- Andrea
- Summer
- Sunrises
- Looking down on stuff from somewhere up high, like mountains or a bridge
- Really good coffee really early in the morning right before I go somewhere really cool
- Road trips
- Colorful wigs

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