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I Got Bangs!

31 May

I’m wasting no time in crossing things off my 30 Before 30 list – so last night, I got bangs!

What do you think??

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Things rich people get for free

27 Mar

I flew first-class a while ago. I figured that it would be the same as regular-class, except with bigger seats. OH NO, my friends, THAT IS NOT SO. There are free things. THEY GIVE THE RICH PEOPLE FREE THINGS. Allow me to regale you with a list of Unlimited Things Rich People are Given for Free While Flying:

  • Alcohol
  • Soda
  • Tiny bottles of water
  • Tiny candy bars
  • Cookies, pretzels, peanuts
  • Hot towels*
  • Dinner**
  • GIANT ARMRESTS
  • Pillows, blankets
  • Seats that recline to a comfortable and reasonable distance
  • First choice of where to put your crap
  • Obsequious service

I’m not kidding about that obsequious service part. After partaking liberally in everything that was free, I passed out in my chair. I woke up at some point to adjust my position in my 45-degree reclining chair (!) and the attendant said, “You know, if your drink goes flat I can replace it for you.” SERIOUSLY.

* I’m still not clear on the purpose of these. I watched the old white men to see what they did with them. One guy wiped his hands, another guy wiped his face. I briefly considered taking a bum bath for lulz (ha!) but just copied the white-hairs, minus the face thing cuz makeup, duh.
** Not just any ordinary plane ride dinner, you guys. It had an entree, a fruit side, a salad, chips, a dessert and actual silverware on a freakin’ platter. A PLATTER. And a cloth napkin.

Time for some fluff

14 Mar

No really, fluff! Check out these faux-furry bad boys:

What do we all think of these boots? I know, I know, they look kinda like Uggs (which, from what I hear, are not waterproof and become stinky after a while), BUT, these are waterproof and snowproof. YES!

I am in need of some rain/snowproof boots because I LIVE IN PORTLAND and the cuffs of my pants are pretty much always soaked. Not to mention my feet. Plus they just look sooooo cozy. ZOMG cozy. I would put them on and feel like a warm furry bear with opposable thumbs in a cozy bear cave next to a roaring bear fireplace drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream and teeny tiny marshmallows. It would be magnificent.

Special ladyfriend bought me a proper pair of wellies a couple of Christamasses ago but they don’t fit right and we forgot to exchange them. These are waterproof AND cute, right? Or do we think the faux fur thing is going to go out of fashion really really soon? Or do we hate it in general? Clearly I need your sartorial guidance, internet. So tell me, should I get the bear boots or will I look like a giant dork? (Ha, as if I could help that. I was a mathlete, after all, dorkdom marches through my veins like radioactive rubber pants.)*

*Bonus points if you can name that quote.

Happy Friday! and weekend open thread, evil genius edition

27 Jan

Happy weekend everyone! This week’s open thread topics are:

One MILLION dollars!
  1. Brilliant ideas
  2. Evil plans
  3. Awesome shit

I have been having all kinds of GENIUS IDEAS lately, probably because of the massive quantities of cold medicine I’ve been consuming. I have also been thinking about Things I Like, because um well why the hell not? So here are some of my brilliant ideas/evil plans/awesome shit I’ve thought of this week:

So what are your evil-genius plans for the weekend? For 2012? For ‘someday’? For the summer? For the good of all humanity? Discuss these and any other topics you want in the comments. Winner gets a unicorn!

And last but not least, here’s some happy (hardcore) music for you to listen to while you plot:

    Songs to sing along to

    21 Oct

    Friday music time! Since I’m too lazy/busy/insert-explanatory-adjective here to write anything heartfelt or insightful today, instead I give you some cheesy songs to listen to. And when I say cheesy, I really mean it. I have a whole Pandora station called “Cheesy Dance Party.” I listen to it almost every day.

    I’ve never quite figured out how to describe my taste in music, which is fine by me but confounding to others. You already have my favorite torch songs, this week I give you a litany of cheeseball ditties. They’re kind of in-theme, but as per usual I don’t really know what to call the theme. Ten points go to the first person to correctly identify the overarching sentiment:

    I put the ol’ iTunes on shuffle the other week and lo and behold this song came on. I think it came from a mix CD a friend made me in college, but it really sounds like something I would have listened to in the 80s had I not been busy learning to walk and tie my shoes. I have no idea why the music video accompanying it is Party Monster- themed, although it really makes me want to watch that movie. Also, it reminds me that I think my little brother looks like Macaulay Caulkin. He’s not a drag queen, though. Although one time I did dress him up like a girl and completely pulled the wool over my grandpa’s eyes. Good times, good times.

    I love Prince so, so much. I don’t care what anyone says, he is a supremely beautiful man. And how can you not love his little boatneck shirt in this? 80s fashion was so underrated, until it was overrated.

    Freakishly, I didn’t really start listening to Prince until the summer of 2005, when I spent a lot of time commuting with a Prince mixtape. I am pretty sure I first saw the above video, though, while my big sister was babysitting my little brother and me while watching VH1. I was definitely way too young to be watching this pure filth, but it must’ve sunk in because I have a fondness for Prince that’s out of proportion for someone who didn’t grow up with Princely goodness. Also? I think a love of Prince must run in the family – my sister and my aunt both love Prince too.

    I have no explanation/excuse for this. I will say that it looks like the perfect candidate for a literal video interpretation.

    Everyone loves PJ Harvey. This one’s from a mix CD my Brooklyn friend mailed me one sweltering summer in BFE, Oregon. I listened to it while drinking wine and making collages in my trashy apartment and taking unnatural measures of pleasure out of picking out my own movies to watch before falling asleep on the living room floor.

    This one might actually fit in better with the torch songs. But you could also do an interpretive dance to it if you wanted to. Heh. Anyway, I got this from Ms. Deena, who put it on a mix CD called “dancey music” which is most excellent in every which way.

    Since it’s Friday, that also means it’s weekend open thread time. I don’t have any topics in mind, so talk amongst yourselves about whatever pleases you! Just so long as the things that please you are mostly legal and thoroughly nonviolent, ‘course.

    Footwear as political salve

    19 Oct

    Domestic violence is legal in Topeka. Men hate you. Women hate you. Journalists hate you. And your neighbors probably have more pumpkins than you.

    What’s a girl in the world to do in order to deal with this sorry state of affairs? Distract herself with impractical footwear, of course! I’m nothing if not sartorially aspirational, and it’s my favorite fashion season – boots, Oxfords, scarves and sweaters for everyone! I never met an Oxford I didn’t like, and I’m on a genuine mission to replenish my boot collection after the Infamous Cat Pee Incident of ’07.

    So without further ado, here is some of the footwear I’ve admired this week while distracting myself from Serious Social Ills:

    These are lovely. I can imagine wearing them with a nice grey, belted sweaterdress. Which is something I would probably never be confident enough to wear. But something someone a LOT cooler than I am would totally rock. Tragically, the boot “shaft” (heh. shaft.) is too big.

    These, while very similar to the first boot, supposedly have an edge as sources say the 1/2” platform would make them comfier to walk in. I remain unconvinced, however, that platforms ever deserved any legitimacy as a trend. Given enough time, I may come around on the whole leggings thing, but platforms, not so much.

    I love these. I want them terribly. I want to save the picture of them as my home page and screen saver. I want to cut out several pictures of them, glue them to the ends of some pencils, and put on little miniature shoe-plays. All the characters in my shoe-play would drink tea and have monocles and wear tweed jackets with elbow pads. They’d be like Giles in Buffy. Or Wesley in season five of Angel. Only, you know, shoes. Shoes that do whatever I say!

    I know, I know. I just went on a rant against platforms. But these are HIDDEN platforms, darn it. Kinda. And they’d make all kinds of super-long pants wearable. And they’re beige. I need some beige shoes, ‘cuz I don’t have any. OK, I do, but they’re open-toed mules and those are only really wearable one week out of the year because it rains all other 51 weeks here.

    What kinds of frivolous daydreams do you engage in when hiding from bleak reality?

    Weekend Open Thread: Dieting edition

    30 Sep

    I love feminist kitteh. Feminist kitteh does not like to diet. Why? Well, feminist kitteh is a personal friend of mine, and she told me why: It’s because when you are dieting, there is no room for apple pie punch, and you can’t have cookies for breakfast. That, my friends, is unacceptable.

    Friday means semi-topical open threads, so let’s talk about food, shall we? Talk amongst yourselves – I’ll give you some topics:

    • Do you remember the first time you “went on a diet”? How old were you? What inspired it?
    • What’s your relationship with food like? Has it changed as you’ve grown up/gotten older?
    • What do you do when you’re tempted to cave in to the pressure to be thin/muscley/whatever-it-is-society/fashion magazines-tell-you-you’re-supposed-to-be-for-your-gender?
    • How do you draw the line between keeping yourself healthy (avoiding bad-for-you-foods and remembering to get exercise now and again) and straight-up image obsession?
    • If you have children, how do you/did you go about teaching them to have a healthy relationship with food? If you don’t, how would you? Or what was your childhood relationship with food like? What did you learn from your parents/family/friends/boob tube?

    Mindless sartorial waffling, part II

    16 Sep

    It’s been a week of nattering about appearances, hasn’t it? First we learned how to lesbonify ourselves, then we learned that to some people, “femmes” are invisible, and to others, heavier women are worth less. That’s a whole lot of Serious Contemplation about The Presentation of Self, innit?

    Did I mention it’s on sale?

    But it’s Friday. It’s time for fluff and open threads. So! In the spirit of the week’s theme, let’s talk about this awesome-looking pencil skirt! Should I purchase this delightful confection? I do so love job skirts. My über-fashionable friend D says yes, and so does the first fashion plate I ever knew – my mom – so I’m leaning toward yes. Weigh in in the comments!

    If you’re stuck for topics to discuss (other than, of course, weighing the merits of various types of houndstooth), try these on for size (GET IT?! Try them on! For size! Ahhhahaha. It’s a wonder I’m not a professional comedienne. Solid gold, I tell ya.):

    • When did you first become aware of different modes of dress and what they signified, culturally and otherwise?
    • How has your style evolved over the years?
    • Is there any style or fashion that you find completely unacceptable? Why?

    Happy Friday everyone! Keep on being awesome.

    Never have I ever…

    24 Aug

    One of my favorite parlor games is called “I Never.” If you don’t know it, let me explain. It’s a ghastly sophomoric thing sometimes involving playing cards and always involving drinking. The basic premise is you say something you’ve never done, like riding a roller coaster or visiting India, and everyone else at the table who HAS done that thing has to take a drink.

    The key is choosing something you’ve never done that is embarrassing or titillating for the other people at the table to admit – bonus points if you know some of their secrets and can choose something provocative. Then the entire table will be sitting there, drinks in hand, while that lone one or two guzzle their beverages and alternate between smirking and looking sheepish. Then they turn around and do the same to you.

    It sounds insipid, but it’s delightful, I tell you! And certainly not the sort of thing that Real Grownups do at Real Grownup Gatherings. But I love it to pieces, and will be a very sad panda when I’m eventually forced to give up these types of shenanigans in exchange for sophisticated wine and cheese parties where no one gets drunk, no one cries and no one sneaks up behind anyone else to practice their dirty dancing moves.

    So in honor of my favorite parlor game, here are a few things I’ve never done (complete with footnotes!). Please raise your glass if you’ve done any of them (and also leave a comment!):

    • I’ve never been outside of the North and Western hemispheres
    • I’ve never had a surprise birthday party thrown for me
    • I’ve never had a going-away party thrown for me*
    • I’ve never broken a bone
    • I’ve never ridden on a train
    • I’ve never eaten a bloomin’ onion
    • I’ve never been to Disneyland**
    • I’ve never had a threesome
    • I’ve never fire-danced
    • I’ve never done a pull-up
    • I’ve never lived anywhere but the West Coast, USA
    • I’ve never been terribly interested in organized team sports
    • I’ve never been skydiving
    • I’ve never liked steak, marshmallows or coconut
    • I’ve never done body shots. Leastwise, I don’t recall ever doing them.
    • I’ve never gotten a tattoo (much to my mum’s delight)
    • I’ve never walked out on a job
    • I’ve never been in a fistfightǂ

    *  Not unsurprisingly, I have thrown many surprise parties and going-away parties for others; and one surprise going-away party
    ** No interest in going at this point – though of course growing up in California, I thought this was pure criminality
    ǂ Outside of the time my boxing teacher accidentally hit me in the face and knocked out my contact lens

    Seven awesome things about being a grown-up

    1 Aug

    1. If you love ice cream, and want to eat it every day, you can. What’s more, if you get an ice cream maker, you can make your own flavors and call yourself a foodie. Your friends and family members will not stage a gluttony intervention, and instead admire your mad ice-cream making skills.

    Meet my new ice cream
    maker. Her name is Bertha.
    She is the maker of all things
    delicious.

    2. Want to replace all of Tuesday’s meals with chocolate chip cookies? GO AHEAD.

    3. Want to have Christmas in July? Wear your Halloween costume in April? Spend five hours in the tub? Put on a pink wig to go grocery shopping? DO IT!

    4. Cold, hard cash. With which you can do whatever you want. Like, for example, buying enough ice cream and chocolate-chip cookie supplies to last throughout the apocalypse. Sure, you may have to skip paying the heating bill one month, but with all that ice cream you may have developed a cozy layer of body fat to insulate you from the cold come winter!

    5. Want to stop at that cardboard box labelled “free” and pick through it until you find the PERFECT chipped coffee mug/too-small-but-oh-so-ironic-tee-shirt/audio cassette? Want to stop your car at the World’s Largest Pistachio roadside attraction? These things too, you can do!

    6. Remember when you were a kid and had to ask permission before you could go anywhere? Didn’t that suck? Wasn’t it even more annoying when you had to take your brother with you everywhere? Well now you can go to a dance club all by your lonesome! And guess what else? You can stay out until 4 a.m. if you want. And then have PIE! Or a pancake.

    7. “This is MY house. And in MY house, I don’t have to wear pants! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!”

    What are your favorite things about  being a grown-up? Although, come to think of it, most of the stuff on this list isn’t too grown up. Which is kind of the point of being a grown-up, isn’t it? You can do kids stuff with wreckless abandon. It is most definitely awesome.

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