Archive | evangelists RSS feed for this section

Green living without the boy scouts

8 Jan


It’s that time of year where I find myself in danger of committing more misdemeanors than usual. This is made possible in part by the fact that lecturing strangers at length on the subtle differences between “personal freedom” and “bigotry” is, apparently, considered harassment in some legal circles. Go figure!So in order to keep my criminal record clear, I try to avoid large, well-lit grocery stores during the first week of January, since that’s when and where My Local Friendly Boy Scout Troop sets up shop in a nefarious plot to collect as many dried pine needles as possible.

Why they want these remnants of the holiday season is beyond me, although I suspect they use them to build roaring fires upon which they can burn effigies of their most hated nemeses, womenfolk and The Gays. Suffice to say that the only way the boy scouts are getting my Christmas tree (which is besides the point anyway, since I don’t have one) is if I first light it on fire.

Meanwhile, my evasion of well-lit grocery stores has landed me in several shadier (if swiftly-gentrifying red-light districts can be called “shady”) parts of town, resulted in all kinds of culinary adventures (if chopping up raw water chestnuts and drinking $3 champagne can be called adventurous), and allowed me to meet all kinds of interesting people (if overweight men in saggy sweatpants can be called “interesting” and vague threats shouted across the Hispanic foods aisle, over the heads of several improperly corralled rugrats counts as “meeting”).

Heartbreaker, listmaker

22 Apr

Imported from MySpace blog

Things of which I am irrationally afraid:

- Zombies. I hate ‘em, they freak me out.
- Malls: creepy temples of capitalism. They also have no windows, what’s up with that?
- Escalators: they’re in malls, and almost unavoidable. Beastly machines, probably partially responsible for the epidemic of heart disease among fat, smelly U.S. citizens
- Dying horribly on the freeway. Although, I may not so much be irrationally afraid of this as I am fascinated by how it would work.

Foods I really don’t like:

-Marshmallows
-Barbecue sauce
-Coconut
-Spicy things, like pepperoncinis
-Borscht

Foods that are yummy:

-Cheese. Cheese may be my favorite food. Cheese should not go with crackers. Cheese can go with almost anything else, including but not limited to vanilla ice cream. That’s right, ice cream. Dairy products are so very good, despite their inherent evilness. Perhaps it is the evil that makes them good. Hmm…

You know what else comes from cheese?

Cheesecake. Cheesecake is also quite tasty. That weird goopy crap they put on the top that pretends to be berries, though, is not. That stuff may be more evil than cheese, and in a way that just makes my cheesecake feel violated, not garnished. I know because I asked my cheesecake once. My cheesecake has to go to therapy now because of that stuff. My cheesecake has trouble having normal, loving relationships with other cheesecakes now. And who is punishing the goop? No one, I tell you, no one. It’s a sorry state of affairs when desserts can get away with such shenanigans.

Also I really like bananas. They’re portable, yellow, and go well with cottage cheese. A banana is a self-contained unit, much like a grenade but tastier.

Things that annoy me:

- People that ask me if I’m cold. Why? Because if I were cold, I’d put on a jacket. I’m not homeless and own many jackets, so I don’t know why people feel like they need to ask me this. Most likely they’re trying to make me feel bad for inflicting my cleavage upon them. Unfortunately for them, it just makes me grouchy.

-Long sleeves. Unless they’re part of a jacket or sweater, where they belong. Long sleeves have no place on shirts or dresses. Ridiculous, if you ask me.

- People who think they know everything. They don’t. This should be apparent to them, but it isn’t (apparently).

- Evangelists

- People who are easily offended

- People who tell me to watch my mouth. These people need to grow up.

Things that make me smile:

- Old people holding hands. Regular people holding hands.
- Genuinely nice people
- Kittens. I don’t care what anyone says, kittens are cute and fuzzy and I like them.
- Dead baby jokes
- Andrea
- Summer
- Sunrises
- Looking down on stuff from somewhere up high, like mountains or a bridge
- Really good coffee really early in the morning right before I go somewhere really cool
- Road trips
- Colorful wigs

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 54 other followers