By caring about her appearance – as society tells her she must – she is punished by being called high-maintenance, shallow, superficial, flippant.
“High-maintenance” often describes women we don’t like, but does anyone really know what it means? “High-maintenance,” like “slut,” is used to insult women who don’t conform enough (or conform too much) to society’s expectations of femininity.
I’m addicted to fake eyelashes. Does that make me high-maintenance?
Urban Dictionary says:
1. Requiring a lot of attention. The individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing to gain attention.
2. A person who has expensive taste. This person is never comfortable because he/she is constantly concerned about his/her appearance.
The first is a derogatory label for women who dare to ask for emotional support from the people around them. The second is a derogatory label for women who dare to take the time they need in order to conform to society’s expectations of them. By caring about her appearance – as society tells her she must if she is to be worthy of love or even leaving the house – she is called high-maintenance, shallow, superficial, flippant.
Blue eyeshadow: High-maintenance, or just tacky?
High-maintenance is yet another insult used to shame women who falter while walking that razor-thin line of acceptable femininity. The rub is that, with all things patriarchy, you can’t win. Let your striving show, and you’re a high-maintenance shrew. Don’t strive, and you’re ugly and unlovable, or worse – a feminist.
Any of you readers been called high-maintenance before? I certainly have. Tell your stories in the comments, eh?
Is it high maintenance to paint only the toenails that will be peeking out of my peep toes? Is it high maintenance to wake up hung over, look in the mirror, and deem my make up from the night before sufficient enough for a trip to the grocery store for some white soda? Is it high maintenance to only shave my legs to my knees because I decided to sleep in? Is it high maintenance to order a glass of white zin at the County fair? If so, then I’m definitely high maintenance.
I definitely grok you on the last-night’s makeup thing – I for one think makeup looks better a little smeary. A-HEM! And whether that makes us high- or low-maintenance or not, is, I suppose, in the eye of the beholder.
I’m gonna have to respectfully disagree with you on this one. While some guys out there think of a woman as a prize, showpiece, or appliance, I do not. However, I would use the phrase “high maintenance” to describe any woman who would TRY TO BE. When I think of a woman who is “high maintenance” I see a pampered, brainless daddy’s girl; a woman who expects to have all her physical, financial and emotional needs met, without ever lifting a finger to help herself. A woman who has no interest in education, independence, or autonomy. A girl whose highest aspiration in life is to be nothing more than a glorified housepet.
In short, a high maintenance woman is nothing more than a girl who treats her lover the same as an abusive, chauvinist man would treat his wife. It’s the exact opposite of everything feminism stands for
“While some guys out there think of a woman as a prize, showpiece, or appliance…”
Our society, on the whole, seems to think this way. This is why it’s a lose-lose proposition. If a woman doesn’t treat herself like a showpiece, she’s not feminine, but if she tries to meet that requirement, she’s high-maintenance.
On the other hand, I’ve seen the term used reasonably to describe women (or men) who are emotionally and financially codependent. As is often the case with bigotry, there’s a small kernel of truth in there, and then a bunch of assholes use that as an excuse for their shitty behavior.
I used to call my ex boyfriend high maintenance all the time.
We’d be hanging around the house, fully clothed, and decide to go out on some small errand or trip. Instead of just leaving he’d want to change his clothes and do his hair. I had to wait usually an hour at least. (I don’t wear make up.)
He also was too proud to take most jobs so he didn’t work, and relied on me for all his social needs because he had no friends. He often complained that I wasn’t loving enough to him while I was stressing about how to pay the bills.
I think I’ve been called high maintenance for being feminist though. People constantly have to try not to say offensive things for fear of it being pointed out. How exhausting for them.
Your ex doesn’t sound like a great catch, no offense.
I don’t think anyone I know considers me high-maintenance due to me being a feminist, although now that you mention it, an ex did once say that my strident opinions “weren’t in the manual,” and had just signed up for the pretty girl part. I don’t think that makes me high-maintenance, that just makes that particular ex an idiot.
I think high maintenance means a woman who is going to use more of a guy’s money and time than he is willing to part with.
Like she gets some expensive disease like breast cancer and needs a lot of care.
Succinct and to the point.
Great post! I have certainly been called high maintenance – but you can’t blame me. My husband and I have moved cities three times in the last 2 years, and after a point you just want to take all your clothes and books with you!
In fact I came across your post when I was looking for an image for my own blog – I’ve used your picture and linked back to you though, on my “mile-high maintenance” post
I used to move a lot, too, and once cohabitated with someone of a mind to “just throw it out, we’ll get a new _____ when we get there!” I thought this was jolly good fun until I realized how expensive it was to replace all of your _____s when you were moving around every 3-6 months! As it turned out, it was much less high-maintenance to haul all our crap with us.
would you say, high- & low-maintenance is genetically preset, or do you see it’s a social issue?
Yes.
I like seeing posts like this that call out the “can’t win” aspect of situations like this. I’ve seen at least three articles in this last week about calling women “crazy,” and this “high maintenance” label is just as annoying. Women who show emotion and express interest? Crazy. Women who are reserved with their feelings and not as quick to open up? Frigid. Lose-lose. I hadn’t considered the “high maintenance” label in the same way, but I definitely see how it is.
There are definitely parallels with the whole “women are crazy/irrational/sluts” or “women are frigid/bitches” dichotomy – I think the “high-maintenance” label is a lot more likely to be applied in tandem along with other epithets like slut, etc. Maybe it all circles back to the Madonna/whore complex! None of us can really win, so I think we should just do what makes us happiest without hurting anyone else!
This article doesn’t really reflect what “high-maintenance” means. Wearing fake eyelashes or blue eye shadow is not high-maintenance. Caring about your appearance is not high-maintenance. A person who obsesses over his/her appearance to the point that is detrimental to the people around him/her is “high-maintenance”.
Also, you referenced an Urban Dictionary definition of high-maintenance,
“1. Requiring a lot of attention. The individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing to gain attention.”
and said,
“The first is a derogatory label for women who dare to ask for emotional support from the people around them”
This definition says nothing about women. And there is a difference between wanting emotional support and being “emotionally needy”.
I agree that there is a huge pressure on women by society to conform to standards of beauty. This pressure can drive some women to be so obsessed with their appearance that they are labeled “high-maintenance”. It’s good to see a post calling out the hypocrisy, but your post would be a lot stronger if your definitions and conclusions made more sense.