I’ve countenanced a lot of, shall we say, “crap” over the years. It comes from strangers who shout “dyke!” out their car windows. It comes from well-meaning friends who introduce me as their “lesbian friend,” as if that were the only notable thing worth mentioning. It comes from not-so-well-meaning friends who make drunken declaratory assessments of my “true” sexuality, as of course who better to judge who I can or should or actually do love or lust after than someone other than ME?
There are so many of these slights that they warrant categorization. So, without further ado, I give you the Five Basic Types of Bigot, as experienced by your friendly blogger:
1. The Hater
This person is the one who leans out of the car window and shouts, “Ugly dyke!” or “Fucking faggot!” at you whilst you are strolling along admiring the daffodils, holding your girlfriend/boyfriend’s hand. Examples in my life have included:
- The restaurant kitchen worker who came out to my table, latex gloved hands a-flapping, to tell me and my girlfriend that we could not “do that” in this restaurant (“that” being, naturally, the sinful act of me putting my head on her shoulder) and that we would have to leave, posthaste.
- The anonymous vandals who slashed my car tires in Conservative Rural Town B, as a punishment for A) kissing my girlfriend near aforementioned car and B) having a rainbow “safe space” decal on aforementioned car
2. The Liberal
This is the one who trots out your sexuality (or any other non-trad feature of you, including but not limited to your race, religion (or lack thereof), gender (or lack thereof), occupation, etc.) to garner “liberal points” at dinner parties. This friend uses you to fortify their liberal bonafieds. You are offered up at social gatherings as proof positive that, because of his or her friendship with you, The Other, s/he is The Most Open-Minded, Most Liberal of all his/her liberal friends. Examples in my life have included:
- Facebook Friend A, making repeated public requests to have drinks/lunch/whatever with my Special Ladyfriend and myself thusly: “I’d like to sign up for lesbian happy hour!” Ahhhh yes, because hanging out with us is, in fact, hanging out with women who date women, how very au courant of you.
- Meeting new people, “And this is my lesbian friend, S!” And this is my dick-sucking friend, Mallory. C’mon, people. Think before you talk.
3. The Denier
Deniers are particularly vocal around queers that conform to heteronormative gender standards (i.e. femme lesbians, butch gay men, bisexuals who don’t wear some kind of “Hi, I’m bi” badge). They’re convinced that you’re “confused” or “traumatized” or some other load of crap. Examples in my life include:
- During a
booze-fueledlate-night heart-to-heart with one of my good friends, he made the following unhelpful and inaccurate assessment of me: “Well S, I never really thought you were queer. I think you’ve probably been hurt by men in the past, and, well, you know… *falls asleep/drools on self*” - Letter from my ex-boyfriend to my then-girlfriend: “Stop messing with S’s head. She’s really straight, you know.” Because my head, you see, it is pretty, and little, and easily messed with. I certainly can’t be trusted to make my own partnering decisions, heavens no. Others must make them for me, you see, either through coercion, or, if necessary, force. It’s like one big game of sexuality keep-away. Funsies!
- Boy I dated: “Oh you’re just confused, you’re actually straight.”
- Girl I dated: “Oh you’re just confused, you’re actually a lesbian.”
- Random Girl in Social Circle: “So Boy A turned you gay, and Boy B turned you straight again, eh?” Right. Because that’s TOTALLY how that works. There’s like, a toggle switch, or something. But only really sexy people know where it is.
4. The Fetishist
This guy is so accepting. He LOVES lesbians. In fact, he loves them so much that when he thinks about them, he touches himself. His eyes twinkle when he sees you with your Special Ladyfriend. If you’re bi, they twinkle even more. He’ll attempt to maneuver you near his wife/girlfriend, who will be pushed into becoming besties with you so that one glorious day, he can have a four-way. Or a three-way. Or some such -way. Examples from real life:
- Friend X’s perfectly nice girlfriend, W, approaches me in bar and asks to have three-way with me, her boyfriend, and her. Me: “Did Friend X put you up to this?” W: ::hangs head slightly:: “Yes.”
- Me, at a party: “Hi Random Guy Sitting with My Friends. What do you say to me having some of that Tasty Beverage over there?” RGSWMF: “Hmmm… first, you gotta make out with your girlfriend!”
5. Curious George
Curious George just wants to know aaallllll about you so that s/he can better understand your kee-razy sex rebel mind and/or “lifestyle.” Curious George thinks your entire life serves as either a) a teachable moment, or b) material for the spank bank. Curious George used to be my downfall. “Familiarity begets acceptance, right?” I would think to myself. But then I realized how incredibly rude it would be if I asked them the same sort of questions they felt perfectly justified in asking me, and stopped talking to these arseholes. Examples from real life:
- (Very drunk) checkout clerk from local grocery emporium, upon running into me out at a bar: “But… what is it you guys DO? I mean, you know…” My then-ladyfriend then proceeded to patiently explain various sex acts to her while I suddenly became very interested in the worn quilted bar leather.
- Male friend: “So, how do you guys, you know, keep it interesting? I mean, do you have… you know, tools?” Yeah dude. We have like, drill bits and shit. Also, a sewing machine and a stand mixer. Ferfuckssake.
This is my favourite post ever here! Too true.
^_^ I particularly enjoyed writing the restaurant review (link in first paragraph). Hooooboy. That happened about four years ago, but it still irks me!
…not first paragraph, first "person" listing. Silly me.
Your blogs are like cream cakes to me. I love them. PS .. is there really a real life human person named Mallory? Hm.
I would resist the urge to mansplain except for the armchair etymologist thing: the Latin phrase bona fide (the second word is pronounced "fee-day" by people who want to show off that they learned Latin in school but for the rest of us rhymes with "side") means "in good faith." (The "in" is implied by the phrase being in the dative case.) Thus: a "bona fide" offer in negotiations, a "bona fide" belief that animal behavior can predict earthquakes, etc. This has been extended to the English phrase "bona fides" to mean "genuineness" or something similar. I think "bonafieds" probably qualifies as an eggcorn:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eggcorn
I particularly like the deniers. Out of all the douchebags these are the ones who instead of acting out of various levels of ignorance they are acting out of superiority trying to tell us what we actually think and feel. Oh joy. On my end I could add the You Can't Be in Our Club gays. Because of course since I have been married to a guy for 17 years I could never ever be bi or know what it's like to have the hots for a woman- oh no- I could never "truly" know what it's like… and other such eye-roll inducing lines.
I thought this was very funny. The only thing I'd have to add is that I have had the reverse fetishist happen to me. On the Path I once saw a couple who were obviously in love. I was having one of those days
and seeing them made me happy. We made eye contact and I gave them what I thought was a "Happy People make me Happy" smile; but I must have seemed like the fetishist because they looked at me sideways.My momentary bliss was shot back down again because it was obvious what they thought 
I felt so awkward I got off the next stop immediately haha oh well. Now I just play Word Mole…forever alone 
Sillywrong: Hmmm well, let's just say Mallory is a composite personality. I do not, in fact, know anyone named Mallory. Although I may just substitute "Mallory" for any future unflattering portrayals on here… John: Don't worry, you've avoided mansplaining thus far, as evopsych hasn't gotten involved yet. I didn't know that about the pronunciation, and will now begin pronouncing it that way to seem cooler than I actually am. I think "eggcorn" is a very generous categorization for my misspelling!
Jenni – Ohhh yes. I know the You Can’t Be in Our Club deniers well. They seem to think that you are automatically disqualified from the cool-gay-person-club if you are bisexual, or look girly/manly, or otherwise don’t conform to some silly exacting standards of cool-gayness. Pfft!
i've always been introduced by my friends to new peeps as "this is my lesbian friend" . I actually hate that, why can't i just be "my friend Christine".sexuality is not the only thing that defines me.
Antonio: Your story reminds me of one my parents told me when I was younger. The story is set back in the 70s, when they were both young ruffian types, very hippie’d out and possessing a healthy fear of authority. They were sitting at a diner, being all lovey-dovey, when they noticed a cop getting up from a table nearby. They froze in fear, wondering where on earth they could have stashed their … stash… and tried to look respectable. He started walking toward them and they became even more afraid. When he finally got to their table, he said, “I just wanted to say how happy it makes me to see two people really in love,” and gave them a big smile.
thewritersays: Right?! Some people seem to take a modicum of glee in it, relishing the reactions from their friends – "Gasp! A real-life LESBIAN!? Poke it, see what it does! Follow it, see what it eats!"
evopsych hasn't gotten involved yet.I did a lot more mansplaining back when I, you know, roamed the savanna… but I ain't been to Georgia in years.
Also @Antonio: What on earth is Word Mole?John: heeeee! I lolled. Ten points for you.
it's #2 that really grinds my gears. haters can be aliens, 'not really gay' can be shot down with a nimble line or two, timewasters can be dealt with depending on mood… but then there's liberals where you can *feel* them using you to bolster their cred (internally or otherwise). there's such complex layers of contempt i dont even know how to deal with it properly.
multistability: Agreed. Haters can be filed away in the "we all agree they're crazy" category, and it's easy to see the nutters in most of the other categories, but the noblesse oblige of the No. 2s, well it's just… ineffably icky.
The one I get now is, because the love of my life ended up being a man… even though it just as easily could have been a woman… people will comment "So I see you realized/decided you were really straight." Sigh.
Thanks for helping to remind me to never do those things either! I never have, mind you, that I am aware of, but I am a true believer that we all have an equal opportunity to be really stupid from time to time. Have you ever listed the Five People You LIKE to Meet in Queerland?
Jenna: And then you say, "No, I just fell in love with this particular person, who I would love exactly the same if he were a she, you big silly!" Right? Oh people. Grump grump grump grump!Tom: Yep, I'm a jerk probably as often as others are, we all need a reminder from time to time. And, no I haven't done that post, but I should, shouldn't I? Great idea!
there's such complex layers of contempt i dont even know how to deal with it properly.bell hooks wrote someplace about attending a conference where after a day or two another Black attendee told her he was suffering from "white people fatigue syndrome," not because he was getting hostility but because he was weary of folk being demonstratively nice to him.