I like to sign up for random stuff on the internet. Even better if whatever I sign up for results in me getting stuff in the mail. Who doesn’t like receiving things in the mail? The same people who hate puppies, that’s who! And Nazis. Nazis totally hate mail.
This is pretty much the sole reason why I am an IMPer, and why I had loads of fun with the book “High Weirdness by Mail” as a dorky preteen. It’s also why I recently signed up for a penpalling site. I figured it would be a good way to make new friends in interesting places, who I could then go visit. Specifically, I would like to make new friends in New York City. You see, I visit New York a lot.* And when I am there, I know approximately .75 people.**
Knowing less than one person while in a city of more than 19 million is kind of depressing. I am sure that, out of that 19 million, there are probably at least five or six really rad people that would totally think I was rad, and would eat dinner with me or maybe know of a good bar to go to. And the sort of people who can pull their shit together enough to write a letter, put it in an envelope, and add a stamp? Well, they tend to be the types that are better at follow-through than, say, your average Facebookian. Right? Wrong. Well, at least so far.
Thus far, I have met five types of people on the penpalling site:
- Sideways hat guy: This guy is really skinny. If he is wearing a shirt, it is a too-big tee shirt with a stretched collar. His cap is on sideways, because he is COOL. He says “Wassup GURL!?” on your profile. He may or may not have a gold tooth. He is sometimes making a gang sign in his photo.
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- Middle aged guy: Hi! Your smile is so bewitching! You may think I am young because of my command of hip slang, but OH NO I AM OLD! HA HA! But oh-so-mature. I will treat you niccceeeee, Clairisssse. And by “nice” I mean I will buy you a bandage dress from Wet Seal and then expect head as payment.
- Scammer guy: I hope you don’t mind friendship. CLICK ON LINK to win!!!
- Large-breasted, scantily clad, headless girl: CHk oUT my PICXXXX!! thx! Click here! xoxoxxxoooo
- Toothless people: I try not to judge based on appearance. I do, I really do. But teeth, they do not reach this state of rot by natural means, OH NO. There is only one way they get that way. And it is by abusing a drug featured in countless public service announcements. Meth heads in real life scare me plenty, thanks.
*Furthermore, I may be moving there a year from now and it would be cool to know people then, too.
**Curious about the math? Well, here is how it adds up to .75:
- .25 person: The son of one of my mom’s work friends, to whom I was introduced solely because he lives in New York. Had dinner once. May one day have lunch.
- .25 person: A delightful lady who I know through a work vendor relationship. We could be friends, if she wasn’t always trying to sell me something.
- .25 person: An old friend from college, who has since acquired a wife who is threatened by my presence, which I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about anyway. Can you say skeezy?
I will raise your .75 of a person and potentially, hopefully add a whole one. Yep, you know who I mean … now scooch your wee self on over to facebook.I have a free night tonight .. I may put pen to paper if I don't die in the gym on my way home. Toodles xPS … my lack of commenting thing, the last few blogs of yours i've read have been through my phone, which does not like your blog … I've tried to comment on 'em all, honest guv. Will not read your blogs through my phone in future ..
I grew up (1942-59) in Manhattan and lived there again between 1968 and 1971, but my last few visits I've found it overwhelming–I just don't have those sidewalk chops any more–and depressingly unfamiliar. (Remember the terrific currant Danish at Sutter's Bakery? It was on Greenwich Avenue near 6th, next to the Women's House of Detention… remember the Women's House of Detention?) I think I'll be there the first week of November, and the Grand Central Station Oyster Bar is still in business, so if you'll be there that week and you'd like to join me for a dozen bluepoints and a draft Guinness, say the word. (The Cloisters, where I used to hang out on days I cut high school–which was often–is still a treat, and concerts at Bargemusic are always good regardless of the program–good players, and you can't beat the location.)
.25 me
Mel, thank you! I owe you an email, I believe… and I have so much for my next letter!
John, I have been practicing my sidewalk chops by not smiling a lot, it seems to work well at bars, too, when I want to be left alone. But holy hell, you look away for one second on the sidewalk there and bam, you run into someone. It's like a real-life game of frogger with human bodies instead of cars.ANYway, YES! Giant crab cakes! I have been to Oyster Bar and it is exceedingly conveniently located. I am tentatively scheduled for Manhattan the first week of November, although you never know with business travel so I once I'm booked I'll let you know! Also – I believe I owe you an email as well. I am, apparently, terrible at email.
thewritersays – +.25'd!
And now you have me in London! I have pretty much all of my teeth, will only seldom force you to view nude pictures of me and am not prone to wearing baseball caps – sideways or otherwise – so am definitely not cool. ;p
Jenny! I am cracking up at the "will only seldom force you to view nude pictures of me" bit – I am picturing a creepy pervo in a public park just sort of randomly choosing passerby and holding out a photo – "Here, look at this!" Except, perhaps, there might be a few photos of Robert Plant mixed in as well?