Years ago, when I was but a young budding queer lady, I worked quite hard on my queer getup. As a long-haired makeup-wearing be-skirted member of the female gender, previously in possession of a beloved boyfriend, my street cred was constantly in question. I showed up to parties populated by lezzies and received cold shoulders and withering stares – one alpha lesbian would often ask, very much within earshot, “Who invited her?”
Not being accepted by my own damn peer group was a new and deeply unpleasant experience, so I immediately set to work lesbonifying myself. I remember one outfit in particular that was a hit – army green shortalls (crotch cut out so it was more like a minidress with a bib), ripped fishnets, green combat boots, tube top. Even when attempting to be butch, I still couldn’t stop myself from adding things like tights and tube tops to the equation.
I no longer have to prove myself in this way, partly due to the fact that I’ve been dating women for so long that everyone has accepted that I am not some kind of Benedict Arnold. But the rejection I experienced still smarts – and it still exists in gay communities everywhere for non-mainstream queers. Just try changing your gender, or being bisexual, and watch as your previously-accepting social circle turns their backs.
Melanie from silly wrong but vivid right* has smart things to say (and good advice) about lesbian fashion, and how mandatory aesthetic conformity is just plain backward, so read on:
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Hey, Sarah’s blog friends 
so you may remember, a short while ago, Sarah wrote a guest post on my blog. Well, here I am, returning the … I was going to say favour, but actually it was a privilege to have Sarah write a blog for me, and it’s a privilege to appear on hers. I’ve known, and admired the lovely Sarah for her writing for many years now (how time flies!) and am excited that our wee blog worlds can cross like this.
I was a little stuck on which angle to go with, and so asked Sarah for a little guidance, and this is what she said:
“How does being “femme” change your lesbian identity? (or something like that). You know, how do you deal with people who assume you are straight, or other lesbians who questions your “street cred” because you dress in girly getups, etc.”
So here’s my attempt at a response:
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“I need to go shopping” I said to my friend Jo. She is the leader in all things fashionable, and she’s one of my few straight friends. Actually, she’s the fiancée of my Very Best Friend Ever, Chris. What I believe Americans would call a BFF? I learned that from Paris Hilton. Already, I’m digressing. I shouldn’t write blogs on Monday mornings.
So for the short while that I lived with Chris and Jo a few months back, I was well dressed. Jo works in events and so therefore ‘knows’ all the right people, and often attends fashionable parties in the city on roof tops with hot tubs. She wouldn’t ever wear the same dress twice. Her wardrobe is immense! Whenever I was off out for the night, she’d send me in to it to pick something. Thanks be to the lord that we are the same size.
I often try to manufacture my look a little too much, rather than just going with instincts. Quite often, while getting dressed, I’d ask her opinion:
“Jo, do I look too lesbian?”
“Melanie, you are a lesbian.”
“Jo, do I look too girly?”
“Melanie, you are a girl.”
It’s hard work, being a girl, and a lesbian all at once.
Back to the original point though – over cocktails one night a few weeks back, I mentioned that I needed to shop. She waited for me to suggest a time and place, and I had to tell her that this wasn’t one for her. The intention of this shopping trip was to lesbonify myself.
Manchester Pride (also known as ‘Gay Christmas’) was fast approaching, and just a couple of nights before I’d had to defend my lesbian status to a gay guy, in a bar called G-A-Y (!!) who then went and retrieved one of his ‘proper’ lesbian friends to get confirmation that “this one’s straight, yeah?” The girl with the Ice-White-funky-Mohawk/Mullet-combo confirmed. Despite my shaking my head at her in a very disapproving manner. She was hot – but she pissed me off.
I think I may have been born without the chip that sets other peoples gaydars off, and the fact that I like to wear makeup and pretty clothes doesn’t do a lot to help this. I should mention that my gaydar is finely tuned, and quite often I spot the ones disguised as ‘real girls’.
But, for Pride, I intended to get chatted up. I was going to give in, and put on the uniform. Jo was having none of this, she didn’t want to hear my protests, and told me that I shouldn’t ugly myself up to get a girl. Her words, not mine. Chris also chimed in with a little wisdom; “Mel, dress for your personality, not your sexuality.” I know, I know. I hate it when other people are right. Because to be honest, I’m not going to feel myself, or beautiful, wearing clothes that aren’t my style. I walk taller, with a straighter back and my legs look better in heels. In stompy boots, I stomp, I swagger. My tummy looks bigger. Stop laughing, it’s true.
Years ago, I had a big drove of babbling gay boy friends, who I used to go out and misbehave with every weekend. I was often assumed to be their Fag Hag. I bought myself a little black vest top, and some iron-on diamantes, and emblazoned the top with the letters F, A and G. People didn’t get it.
This seems archaic to me, to write all of this. Lipstick Lesbos (ugh, I really, really hate that term!) … beautiful lesbians, have been around for so long now, they exist in hoards, I know loads of them, they are everywhere. Lesbians are no longer only overweight butchies with crew cuts and neck ties, who will only ever be seen darkened in bars far off the beaten track. We now exist in the form of beauties such as Portia de Rossi (who I’m pretty sure the world is still waiting on to get over her ‘phase’.) Shows such as The L Word and Lip Service show us lesbians in the image that they really are – diverse. So I can’t work out why it is that my own community have a problem with accepting my sexuality without me wearing it like a badge. Straight people, although often with a flicker of surprise, don’t seem to have the same problem when I reveal myself to them – but the gayers; they just don’t get it.
I get the cultural/sociological thing; that people need to ‘belong’ to their group, that their identity is as a part of that group and that they want to wear this on the outside, to be recognised by others for their ‘belonging’ – but surely we’ve moved on from that? Surely with the ‘out and proud’ diversity that exists in the more civilised parts of the world today, we can all just be who we are without having to learn secret bloody handshakes?
Sexuality should be about just that; sexuality, not fashion. There is only one thing that makes me gay, and that’s the fact that I’m attracted to women. I’ll keep on with that line of thought in that hope that others will too, and that this changing world will continue to evolve in to something that allows us to remain the individuals that we are.
And wear high heels.
* My mysterious and hip British pen pal – she sends me handwritten letters! That means, among other things, that she is nearly single-handedly propping up the US Postal Service, for which we should all be grateful.
Additional VERY IMPORTANT but completely unrelated footnote: It is exactly one month until my birthday. AHEM. Just so you know.
And I, my dear, got home after fighting my way through the rainy storm that was last night to a letter from you, complete with a lovely little doodle of an aeroplane. Fantastic. Your letters have a way of arriving at just the right time
Isn't 'lesbonify' a wonderful word!? I'm glad to see it's being used there, too.Thank you for having me, and thank you for writing an awesome intro; your words put mine to shame 
x
Extremely interesting read – thanks, Sarah and Melanie! I have often been perplexed with regard to why it is that many gay men and women dress in adherence to the stereotypical fashions of the opposite sex (I mean, firstly, gay women are not men, so why the drive to present yourself in masculine garb? And secondly, if you're attracted to females/femaleness (apologies for all these vague gendered terms!!!) then why present an image so separate from said femaleness to the world/your community?)I get the whole thing about dress being a signifier of your belonging to a community – and obviously it's easier to pull if your sexuality is overtly-presented…but the concept of 'lesbonification' (lol) seems sad. At best, fashion can express how you want to be perceived as a person – why should you have to front your sexuality? PS Glitter – yay! ;p
Melanie, I'm glad the postal service didn't send it to the dead letter office! Yeesh. And I absolutely stole "lesbonify" from you, it is a wonderful word!Jenny, beats me – I tried wrapping my head around this for the longest time before I finally gave up. I used to query the various fashionistos in my life who wore men's clothing, and they always would say, dismissively, "It's more comfortable." But I've got jersey cotton dresses that are far more comfortable than any pair of cargo shorts, so that can't really be the reason. Of course, fashion doesn't always need a reason… just a collective. Take mohawks – they're not inherently rebellious, anymore than a follicle or a pore can be rebellious. But we've all decided they're rebellious, so they are.
It depresses me when oppressed groups reproduce the group dynamics of the oppressors. Just because one of "mine" is doing the margin-policing does not make margin-policing okay.
People, queer and not, as are so weird about identity expression and identity policing.It's weird how many queer people think that "butch" equals "could damn near pass for a guy" and that anything else is femme. So many people don't see it as a spectrum. I consider myself pretty far over in butch territory, as in, there are plennnnty of items and grooming techniques that I wouldn't rock because they're too girly for me. Yet, I have long (scraggly, only worn in a messy dude-like ponytail) hair, so that makes me femme for some people who think butch dykes are required to have buzzcuts. Really, there's a certain brand of butches who think there's a butch uniform! I've heard people say "we wear buttondowns" as if even the t-shirts or tunics in the dude's department are just not butch!I also have a friend who is in most ways quite progressive, but who thinks that we shouldn't care what identity anyone has, because people are people (this person doesn't like that we ask people their ethnicity on the forms at work, thinking we should treat everyone the same). This person DOES NOT GET that people might read me as queer and might have phobic leanings when I haven't explicitly said I'm queer. I've tried to explain that there are certain things with dress, hobbies, language, etc. that a lot of us use, not all do, but that signify group membership, and this person just doesn't get it, despite how said person DOES get the whole idea of queerdar and that we can pick each other out and stuff. Weird.
Oh, I've also toyed with the idea of there being a type of expression known just as "queer" that is less related to any sort of gender spectrum. Like, ironic accessories from the '70s or the '80s or whatever isn't the mainstream trend right now, a few things that are a little more punk or a little more hippie than your average identity-conforming sort of person would do, yet also with this hypervigilant sort of buttoned-up air where the person has clearly has taken pains not to remotely violate any sense of dress code or decency or anything, because we all know that there are people who will single out the queers the second they think we look racy or whatever.Know what I mean?
Satchel Pooch: Me tooooo. It made me really really angry and confused the hell out of me for a long time, before I realized that oppressed people are also people, and therefore flawed, and fucked up, and often very very wrong (myself being no exception, of course). Nowadays I try very hard to remember that I am me, and can do what I want (including changing my mind about stuff), and other people’s opinions of me won’t change that. It doesn’t always work, mind you, but still.Mel: Another thought I had, unrelated kind of, but related to your remark of hating the phrase “Lipstick Lesbian” – the other day I was taken aback when a straight friend referred to me as that, saying something along the lines of, “Oh well, you’re Lipstick,” and drew some random conclusion based off of that. I thought to myself, “Ech, I hate it when gay people use that phrase, but I hate it MORE when YOU do it.” It was as if he had no right to that realm of social stratification. It was odd. I don’t know what it means, psychologically or otherwise, but thought it was worth mentioning.
Eeka: I am wondering if said person recognizes different dialects? That might be a good way to educate him/her on cultural signifiers. I recently got sucked into a Wikipedia-hole on prestige language (I wound up there by looking up the word “quiff” – go figure!) which was an eye opener. At the very least different modes of dress make a good example for cultural signifiers – Carhartts and paint-splattered work shirts say a very different thing about class at the least than Armani suits do.As for the “butch” = “male-looking” and “femme” equals “female-looking” thing… I think it should be a spectrum as well. I had a girlfriend once who blow-dried her hair every day, carried spray face moisturizer with her everywhere, wore foundation and mascara and perfume obsessively and would change her clothes three times before leaving the house… but those clothes were ripped jeans and the perfectly matched ratty t-shirt, and she loved beer, football and rap music. I wore no makeup, threw on whatever was nearby, and wore a ponytail everyday, but hate football, sometimes wore dresses and heels and loved martinis and Tori Amos. You’ll never guess which of us got the butch label and which the femme (because it always has to be a dichotomy, doesn’t it?! – another girlfriend I had was about equal in the performing-femininity department and I remember catching crap from our social group about which was “the man” and which was “the woman” – pfft, silliness!)
Interesting. I've identified as bisexual since I was 14 and have not had a problem with dismissive or disgusted friends. Acquaintances, sure, but not friends. Sorry you had to go through similar obnoxiousness.@ Jenny: Hmm, I also find it a little offensive to be dismissive of butch women's desire to enact butch identity. If we want femme identities and signifiers to be okay on women, we should also be okay with butch identities and signifiers. Masculinity isn't maleness and queer masculinity, whether performed by men or women, is certainly not a stereotypical expression. There's http://dapperanddandy.tumblr.com/, though it's not the best example, but it does show some good pictures of dandy queers who aren't aping heterosexual male wardrobes. There's also a class and race component to this, but that's another ball of yarn. Just as some women feel more comfortable in fishnets, some women feel more comfortable in pinstriped pants (or both).Additionally, I find it really gross to assume that a woman who is attracted to other women should dress in some sort of "female" fashion so as not to "present an image so separate from said femaleness to the world/ your community." Uh, really? What? I was never told that I should resemble the ladyfolk I sleep with just because I sleep with them. Or am attracted to them. Really, I'm pretty shocked by that.The lesbian American communities of the 1970's often embraced a rather bland androgyny in order to resemble each other and avert the male gaze; frankly, I find it a bit frumpy and depressing. I'd rather be able to wear a pedicure with my hairy legs, thankyouverymuch, or rock a necktie and pressed trousers with dangly earrings. I have no desire to resemble those in my community, nor do I expect that they should do the same. We're queer; we're not robots.
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