“High-maintenance” is often used to describe women we don’t like, but does anyone really know what it means? The phrase “high-maintenance,” like the word “slut” is just another ill-defined insult hurled at women who don’t conform enough, or conform too much, to society’s idealized expectations of femininity. So last time I heard it, I looked it up – Webster’s is no use, so here’s what trusty old Urban Dictionary has to say:
1. Requiring a lot of attention. When describing a person, high-maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to gain attention
2. A person who has expensive taste (re. clothing, restaurants, etc.). This person is never comfortable because he/she is constantly concerned about his/her appearance.
At first, it seems weird that the phrase has two completely different meanings, until you take the time to think about what else the phrase is used to describe. What else can be called high-maintenance? Swimming pools. Layered haircuts. Silk clothing. Fancy cars. Orchids. Conversely, take a peek at what we describe as low-maintenance: Rock gardens. Cotton-poly blends. Cacti. What do these things have in common? They’re all things. So what do we call high-maintenance? Things, and women. ‘Cuz women are things! Get it? Ahhhaahaha. Backslaps all around!
Let’s take the two definitions in order, shall we? The first is a derogatory label for women who dare to ask for emotional support from the people around them. The second is a derogatory label for women who dare to take the time they need in order to conform to society’s expectations of them. By caring about her appearance – as society tells her she must if she is to be worthy of love or even leaving the house – she is punished by being called high-maintenance, shallow, superficial, flippant. But try not caring about your appearance for a sec – go ahead, try it! Stop shaving your legs, wearing makeup, and brushing your hair. See how long you stay employed, how long you keep your boyfriend, how long it takes before your girlfriends start talking about how you’ve let yourself go when you’re not around.
High-maintenance is just another empty phrase thrown around to punish women who falter while walking that razor-thin line of magically conforming to impossible standards of beauty while making it look easy breezy cover girl. Women who slink quietly out of bed to shower and put on makeup and then slink quietly back into bed – so long as they’re not caught – need not worry about being labelled high-maintenance. It’s those who dare to sleep in, and then make their poor sops of male companions wait more than ten minutes while perfecting that foundation and blowout, that need to worry. Or those that, after a rough day at work, occasionally require a few moments of quiet alone time before tending to the passel of squalling brats.
The rub is that, with all things patriarchy, you can’t win. Let your striving show, and you’re a high-maintenance shrew. Don’t strive, and you’re ugly and unlovable, or worse – a feminist.
Any of you readers been called high-maintenance before? I certainly have. One incident comes to mind in particular, when a friend of mine told me that if he didn’t already know me, he probably wouldn’t try to talk to me because I looked “high-maintenance.” I had no idea what he was talking about, and, to some extent, still don’t. Tell your stories in the comments, eh?
Is it high maintenance to paint only the toenails that will be peeking out of my peep toes? Is it high maintenance to wake up hung over, look in the mirror, and deem my make up from the night before sufficient enough for a trip to the grocery store for some white soda? Is it high maintenance to only shave my legs to my knees because I decided to sleep in? Is it high maintenance to order a glass of white zin at the County fair? If so, then I'm definitely high maintenance.
I'm gonna have to respectfully disagree with you on this one. While some guys out there think of a woman as a prize, showpiece, or appliance, I do not. However, I would use the phrase "high maintenance" to describe any woman who would TRY TO BE. When I think of a woman who is "high maintenance" I see a pampered, brainless daddy's girl; a woman who expects to have all her physical, financial and emotional needs met, without ever lifting a finger to help herself. A woman who has no interest in education, independence, or autonomy. A girl whose highest aspiration in life is to be nothing more than a glorified housepet.In short, a high maintenance woman is nothing more than a girl who treats her lover the same as an abusive, chauvinist man would treat his wife. It's the exact opposite of everything feminism stands for.
Don't Make That Face – Thank you for stopping by, and hello! I definitely grok you on the last-night's makeup thing – I for one think makeup looks better a little smeary. A-HEM! And whether that makes us high- or low-maintenance or not, is, I suppose, in the eye of the beholder.
Kalvyn – Such a person, female or male, surely is worthy of being abhorred, although I don't know anyone like that at all. But why is such a phrase only applied to women? Is there a comparable term for the menfolk?
I used to call my ex boyfriend high maintenance all the time.We'd be hanging around the house, fully clothed, and decide to go out on some small errand or trip. Instead of just leaving he'd want to change his clothes and do his hair. I had to wait usually an hour at least. (I don't wear make up.)He also was too proud to take most jobs so he didn't work, and relied on me for all his social needs because he had no friends. He often complained that I wasn't loving enough to him while I was stressing about how to pay the bills.I think I've been called high maintenance for being feminist though. People constantly have to try not to say offensive things for fear of it being pointed out. How exhausting for them.
Oh hey, there ya go – a male example of a high-maintenance person, thanks Anon. Your ex doesn't sound like a great catch, no offense.I don't think anyone I know considers me high-maintenance due to me being a feminist, although now that you mention it, an ex did once say that my strident opinions "weren't in the manual," and had just signed up for the pretty girl part. I don't think that makes me high-maintenance, that just makes that particular ex an idiot.
I think high maintenance means a woman who is going to use more of a guy's money and time than he is willing to part with. Like she gets some expensive disease like breast cancer and needs a lot of care.
I think Hattie's hit it on the head. Succinct and to the point.
Great post! I have certainly been called high maintenance – but you can't blame me. My husband and I have moved cities three times in the last 2 years, and after a point you just want to take all your clothes and books with you!In fact I came across your post when I was looking for an image for my own blog – I've used your picture and linked back to you though, on my "mile-high maintenance" post
Hi travellati, thanks for stopping by! I used to move a lot, too, and once cohabitated with someone of a mind to "just throw it out, we'll get a new _____ when we get there!" I thought this was jolly good fun until I realized how expensive it was to replace all of your _____s when you were moving around every 3-6 months! As it turned out, it was much less high-maintenance to haul all our crap with us.
Thanks for the link! I read your post and found it hilarious – all the Indian women I know are the exact opposite, the most low-maintenance and mellow ladies you'll ever meet! I think your link is going to a different post, though.
would you say, high- & low-maintenance is genetically preset, or do you see it's a social issue?