Feminism, and a whole lot of other -isms which are very much related, is such a huge part of the fabric of my life that I am shocked whenever I discover that my meatworld friends aren’t feminists. Or, worse – haven’t ever thought about feminism in any real way.
Example: While milling around in the fluorescent aftermath of a party, my friend related to me a story of her boss, tearing up after a rough meeting. Her story concluded with this gem: “I don’t consider myself a feminist or anything – but it kind of bothers me when women cry at work.”
Wait, what?
Let me explain. I have friends from all stripes of political, religious, and -ism beliefs, and I like it that way. So when a conservative Christian tells me she is not a feminist, I am not surprised. But, when the sort of college-educated secular humanist vegetarian sometime-lesbians that attend my parties drop “I’m not a feminist” bombs, I’m rendered temporarily speechless.
Let’s parse her sentence, shall we? “I don’t consider myself a feminist or anything – but it kind of bothers me when women cry at work.” Firstly, she spat the word feminist out as if it were a bug she found in the evening’s sangria. Secondly, the two clauses, “I don’t consider myself a feminist,” and “it bothers me when women cry at work,” don’t really need the connector “but,” since, well, they’re not mutually exclusive. Wouldn’t it make sense that a non-feminist would dislike watching a woman cry? I suspect she meant her audience to take the desire for women to stop their sniveling already as a feminist trait.
That said, I take a lot of comfort in the idea that female friendship can be, in and of itself, a feminist act. Even though I am friends with many women who don’t share my views about reproductive rights or the insidiousness with which patriarchy is chipping away at the fabric of human life, they’re still there to support me when I need them, and vice versa. They don’t know it, but just by being strong women willing and able to provide loyalty and support at other womens’ times of need, they are furthering the feminist cause.
But is it enough? Do you often find yourselves in this situation, tender readers? Do you consider female friendship (of the truly supportive, not-seen-on-TV variety) a notch on the feminist spectrum, or not? And why?
I think one of the biggest problems we face as Feminists is the misunderstanding of the definition of the title. The situation your friend described, not wanting a woman to cry at work, is actually an ANTI-Feminist way of thinking. Feminism… shouldn't be about wanting women to be like men, but rather about women (and men) being able to be themselves without judgment or penalty, to be on a level playing field. The fact is, some people just succumb to their emotions more easily than others. I do. And it's not an inherently female trait. This woman was judged based on a personality trait that may be somewhat beyond her control. Was she hurting anyone? Unlikely. Did she feel better afterwards? Likely. And let's face it, if it had been a man crying at work the judgment would have been much harsher.Many people who don't believe they are "Feminists" actually identify rather strongly with the principals of Feminism. The label has been so corrupted by negative media images that so often people think conservative Christians would never be Feminists and the label only applies to humanist vegetarians. (I write this as I consume a roast beef sandwich, but please don't judge me for my carnivorus habits, for this would once again be an Anti-Feminist action.) This is simply not true for Feminists come from all religious and educational backgrounds.And to answer your question, yes, friendship, true and deep friendship between any two people, the kind that supports all the quirky traits of the human race, and judges not, is absolutely a little slice of Feminism.
Wow. I couldn't have really said it better myself.I suppose in my younger, more conservative days, I associated feminism with being angry, hostile, aggressive, pushy and bitchy. What really changed my mind is when I actually said something along the lines of, "I'm not a feminist but…" to a girlfriend of mine in college. She replied, "If you believe in equal rights for women, you are a feminist and there is nothing bad or wrong with that." At that point I replied, "You know, what? You are correct."I can safely say that was the turning point where my entire perspective changed from one of, acceptance to empowerment.Unconditional friendships and bonds between women (and men too!) is the base of feminism. I don't think there could ever be a movement without that.
Feminism 4ever.
It's amazing how often women put down women and it never occurs to us to be offended.
u said it sister
Colleen – You're right on all counts. It's so true that many womenfolk (and menfolk), including conservatives, evangelical what-have-yous, meat-eaters and vegans alike are feminists, they're just afraid to use the word. Like Danielle said, somehow the designation has gotten mixed up with "angry, hostile, aggressive, pushy and bitchy." And mostly, I'd say that's wrong – feminism doesn't mean hostility and a poor attitude. Where I disagree is that it DOES mean anger. All oppression — whether meted out to a person or people based on gender, sex, race, religion, nationality, age, or any other arbitrary designation — should make a rational human being angry. Anger is a natural reaction to injustice, and when used properly, can even be constructive. So GRR! And stuff.
Yeah, I was just thinking that "being angry, hostile, aggressive, pushy and bitchy" is a perfectly understandable reaction to oppression, and that channeled anger can lead to positive change to boot. Which one might argue is exactly why in many cultures, outward-facing aggression is discouraged in women.
You know what, Sarah? I stand corrected. The truth is, I am mad. We've always been encouraged to be thankful for what we have and not to dwell on what we don't, but when it comes to a lack of equality? No, it's not good enough just to have a job. It's not good enough to do the same work as others and be held to a different standard and to just get a pat on the back instead of equal pay/benefits. I want that equality not just for me but for all of my peers, and to not have it really makes me mad.c