- 10. I’m a grammar Nazi. This means that even if I don’t say anything, I am silently judging you just a little bit when you abuse an adverb.
- 9. I’m terrible at conversational segues, and prone to interruption.
- 8. I will get drunk and call you in the middle of the night. For no reason.
- 7. I will get bored and whiny if your party does not amuse me. This means I will probably get drunk in order to liven the place up.
- 6. Then I will make you drive me home.
- 5. If the ratio of people-I-don’t-know to people-I-know at your party is too lopsided, I will probably get bored and act spastic, embarrassing you in front of all your respectable friends.
- 4. I occasionally disappear from all social life, leaving nary a trace of my existence. I won’t return phone calls, text messages, or emails; I won’t leave the house or wash my hair.
Mostly I just lie on the couch in sweatpants and a fuzzy sweater, cradling a cup of swiftly cooling tea and telling my cat he’s the only one who understands.
- 3. I will insist that you make a big deal out of my birthday.
- 2. It will take you a really, really long time to break down my emotional walls.
- 1. I will demand an unnaturally high level of loyalty from you. You will be required to share my enmities, politely ignore my drunken phone calls and never, ever make fun of my hair.