Archive | April, 2006

Here comes the sun

25 Apr

Imported from MySpace blog

I have accepted my fate: I am a sun worshiper.

I go against all that is holy and languish, unprotected, beneath the sun’s miasmic rays. My fair skin makes it all the more exciting. I taunt death with every second I stay sprawled on the lawn, with every inch of ladylike pale skin I leave exposed to the yawning blue sky.

Each year, I eagerly await the onset of warm weather. Long before it has set in, I begin practicing absorbing the sun’s rays by dangling first hands, then arms and even legs out of car windows, palms and toes face up to absorb a maximum in vitamin D.

Last Sunday, heathen that I am, I was lounging on the lawn with a weighty tome, a flimsy dress and a pair of movie-star sunglasses, and an old woman toddled up to tell me to watch out. For what? I wondered. For the wrath of the sun god, I presume. Or the churchgoers across the street, offended by my practice that so obviously flies in the face of their turtleneck-wearing congregation. They might, in their enthusiastic evangelism, trample an innocent child dressed in its Sunday best. I could be charged with manslaughter.

In a small concession to modern science and that annoying, plagiarized song for high school graduates, I have invested in a tube of sunscreen. Goodbye, comforting sunburn pain. Goodbye, sun-kissed cheeks and sheets of peeling skin. If only I hadn’t been born so piteously pale, I might be able to walk free under the sun’s scorching rays, perhaps padding barefoot through a desert. Such is not the life for sophisticated desk-jobbers such as I. I am doomed to live indoors, subject to the whims of the kind of people that aspire to claw their way to middle management.

But, on Sundays, I can still piss off a whole churchload of prim old ladies and their slobbering old husbands. Thank god for simple pleasures.

Heartbreaker, listmaker

22 Apr

Imported from MySpace blog

Things of which I am irrationally afraid:

- Zombies. I hate ‘em, they freak me out.
- Malls: creepy temples of capitalism. They also have no windows, what’s up with that?
- Escalators: they’re in malls, and almost unavoidable. Beastly machines, probably partially responsible for the epidemic of heart disease among fat, smelly U.S. citizens
- Dying horribly on the freeway. Although, I may not so much be irrationally afraid of this as I am fascinated by how it would work.

Foods I really don’t like:

-Marshmallows
-Barbecue sauce
-Coconut
-Spicy things, like pepperoncinis
-Borscht

Foods that are yummy:

-Cheese. Cheese may be my favorite food. Cheese should not go with crackers. Cheese can go with almost anything else, including but not limited to vanilla ice cream. That’s right, ice cream. Dairy products are so very good, despite their inherent evilness. Perhaps it is the evil that makes them good. Hmm…

You know what else comes from cheese?

Cheesecake. Cheesecake is also quite tasty. That weird goopy crap they put on the top that pretends to be berries, though, is not. That stuff may be more evil than cheese, and in a way that just makes my cheesecake feel violated, not garnished. I know because I asked my cheesecake once. My cheesecake has to go to therapy now because of that stuff. My cheesecake has trouble having normal, loving relationships with other cheesecakes now. And who is punishing the goop? No one, I tell you, no one. It’s a sorry state of affairs when desserts can get away with such shenanigans.

Also I really like bananas. They’re portable, yellow, and go well with cottage cheese. A banana is a self-contained unit, much like a grenade but tastier.

Things that annoy me:

- People that ask me if I’m cold. Why? Because if I were cold, I’d put on a jacket. I’m not homeless and own many jackets, so I don’t know why people feel like they need to ask me this. Most likely they’re trying to make me feel bad for inflicting my cleavage upon them. Unfortunately for them, it just makes me grouchy.

-Long sleeves. Unless they’re part of a jacket or sweater, where they belong. Long sleeves have no place on shirts or dresses. Ridiculous, if you ask me.

- People who think they know everything. They don’t. This should be apparent to them, but it isn’t (apparently).

- Evangelists

- People who are easily offended

- People who tell me to watch my mouth. These people need to grow up.

Things that make me smile:

- Old people holding hands. Regular people holding hands.
- Genuinely nice people
- Kittens. I don’t care what anyone says, kittens are cute and fuzzy and I like them.
- Dead baby jokes
- Andrea
- Summer
- Sunrises
- Looking down on stuff from somewhere up high, like mountains or a bridge
- Really good coffee really early in the morning right before I go somewhere really cool
- Road trips
- Colorful wigs

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